On the way there...

2009-12-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

if faith in the Bible is belief in delusion as many are making it out to be, i hereby happily declare myself insane. Fact is, we're all slaves to some kind of delusion, for who can really know the true nature of things? Every explanation of reality is grounded in a certain way of looking, of perceiving. If all the fancy explanations about reality and life are going to draw me away from Christ, I'd rather remain a simpleton and an ignorant ostrich as to the "truth" of science, for I choose to believe that "

it was in Him that all things were created, in heaven and on earth, things seen and unseen, whether thrones, dominions, rulers or authorities: all things were created and exist through Him (by His service, intervention) and in and for Him. " Col 1:16

Submit In To Glory

2009-12-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

“Jesus today has many who love his heavenly kingdom, but few who carry his cross; many who yearn for comfort, few who long for distress. Plenty of people he finds to share his banquet, few to share his fast. Everyone desires to take part in his rejoicing, but few are willing to suffer anything for his sake. There are many that follow Jesus as far as the breaking of bread, few as far as drinking the cup of suffering; many that revere his miracles, few that follow him in the indignity of his cross.”

Thomas a Kempis

The two natures and the two laws

2008-03-19T05:34:00.000-07:00

This blog was posted by Daniel Kropf on his blog, Wie ein Kropf.

The Two Natures and Two Laws Jan 24, '08 3:26 AM
for everyone

If I were to ask you if concrete floats, what would you say? How about if I asked you if aluminum (Aluminium for our non-American friends) can fly? The answer to both of these is that by nature of substance, no. However both of these can be designed in such a way that they can accomplish what is impossible to their nature. In some Universities, engineering students race concrete canoes, and, of course, airplanes fly. However to do this requires constant maintenance, because they fly only by design not by nature. After each flight they must be checked, and if they are allowed to deteriorate they will fail to fly with disastrous results. Eventually, they must be retired.

This is the way life is with human willpower. There is a law within us called the law of sin and death (Rom. 7:17-25). This law states that because humans are fallen creatures we will sin. In the same way that aluminum will not stay airborne, or concrete will sink, our fallen nature will sin. Human resolution and desire to change is like design, it will allow us to supercede our nature, but only with constant maintenance and it will eventually wear out and fail.

Helium, however, is entirely different. Helium rises, not in spite of it’s nature, but because of it. It is not difficult to cause helium to rise. It is, rather, difficult to keep it down. This is like our new nature. The Apostle Paul calls this “the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ” (Rom. 8:1-2). This law sets us free from the law of sin and death.

Christ can not sin. 1 John 3:9 states, “Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.” The Nature of Christ in us is sinless. There is no more inclination towards sin in our new nature than helium has to sink.

When we realize this we can overcome sin. Yes, our old nature still has its sinful desires, but our new nature doesn’t. We can look at a temptation and say to it, “My old nature may say that I have to give in, but the nature of Christ within me does not have to yield.” Remember what was said of Christ, “Whom God hath raised up, having loosed the pains of death: because it was not possible that he should be holden of it.” (Acts 2:24). It was impossible for death to hang on to Christ, because He was sinless. It was impossible for sin to overcome Him, because He was the Son of God, and now He lives within us.

Christ in you the hope of glory!

An Ideal Husband, Part 2 (read part 1 first)

2007-05-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

I want to apply the first part of this post to our walk with God. But before I do, I need to clarify the paradigm.
(credit here must go to our mentor, Rick Moser, for explaining it so nicely!)
500 Years ago Galileo Galilei was burnt at the stake by the Roman Catholic Church for declaring that the earth was not the center of the Universe, but that it in fact revolved around the sun, which was not the center of the Universe either, but merely one of many stars. Just before Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, the Roman Catholic Church apologized to Galileo (talk about belated ...) and declared that he spoke the truth. Because the world accepted his statement, many advances in Science, Math and Astronomy, were made possible. More accurate descriptions of how things really
are could be made. More truths about the universe could be uncovered. All because the world accepted the way God had set things in place, an absolute truth that was not influenced by relativity, our emotions, perceptions, etc.
Many Christians today read the bible from the perspective of their own needs, emotions, desires and perceptions. The bible contains, according to this view, the “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth”. Yet, many fail dismally in carrying out those instructions. But fortunately, God is gracious and after all “a high priest who is not callous to our weaknesses, but was tempted in all things just
as us”. So God understands, right?
Furthermore, the Bible is said to contain wisdom on every aspect of our life on earth. If we live by the principles it sets out, we will be blessed. If we don't, well... many different opinions on the consequences.
I have come to understand that we have looked at the bible through the mistaken assumption of our life on earth as its centrifugal force, meaning that all the scriptures and all the wisdom of it revolves around us. COTU-syndrome. I am the Center of the Universe. Think for a moment. Is this true? I believe we have been misled. The bible is PURE CHRISTOLOGY. From Genesis to Maps. The centrifugal force in it is the person of Jesus Christ. Everything in it speaks of Him. Creation and humankind is founded on Him as the central truth. The new testament confirms this.
(Col 1:16) For in him were all things created in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones, or dominations, or principalities, or powers. All things were created by him and in him. (Col 1:17) And he is before all: and by him all things consist. (Rom 11:36) For of him, and by him, and in him, are all things: to him be glory for ever. Amen. So allow me to bring to you the Christ as he is revealed to me through the sacrament of marriage. Marriage is ordained by God. It's like the way the moon and the stars and all the things in the heavens are just the way they are. If we accept this as absolute truth, we can allow ourselves the
opportunity to submit to the way God ordered things. The marriage custom is universal in all cultures. Given it is done differently, but the concept of a man being devoted in love and possessions unto a woman, undertaking to care for and provide for her, is as old as creation (and before the foundations of the world). Few people are unmoved by a bride arriving at the official ceremony. Few people escape the joy on the bridegroom's face when he takes her to his side, standing proud and tall. And I believe no-one is unmoved by “that kiss”, or first public display of affection after the officiation, where he declares: My beloved is mine, she's all mine. Traditionally, the church in which I grew up have taught that the church is the Bride of Christ, and that there will one day be a “wedding feast of the lamb” when all things will come to an end. And the few parables of Jesus on the topic have been interpreted to mean that only the purest and most devoted and steadfast of believers would “qualify” to be invited to the “marriage supper of the
Lamb”. I'm not going to venture into an explanation of these parables (yet!), but I would like to challenge some of the concepts that I grew up with, which has really held me back spiritually, because they have been extrapolated from our limited understanding of our immediate reality, and applied to spiritual concepts.
I grew up believing that Jesus and his Bride would one day marry and live happily ever after. Just like the classic fairy tale. I also grew up believing that the wedding dress of the Bride would have to be without spot or wrinkle, before this wedding could take place, and that the preparation of the Bride was one long, painful process through which she would be refined and tested, until she attained some sort of acceptable perfection, which would make the bridegroom's Father say, yes she is acceptable now, the wedding may take place.
Then I got married. And started living with Johan my “happily ever after”. And as I shared in Part 1 of this post, I realized that I live the Union and not the wedding. Everything can be perfect on that special day, but the proof of the quality of the celebrated commitment is only in the years that follow. It is in how much the one lover remains central in the thoughts of the other. It is in how sacrifices are made by one for the good and the glory of the other. It is in how one lover thinks the
other increasingly more important than the needs of the self. A Happily married elderly man revealed a secret to marital bliss on his 70th wedding anniversary: “you have to say Yes Dear a LOT”.
Now, If I may refer back to Part 1 again. Concerning the issue of respect. I believe that the Church of God on earth needs to regain a respect for the person of Jesus Christ, who IS the word of God. He is the Alpha, the first word, and the Omega, the last word. Compare Heb 1: (Heb 1:1) Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, (Heb 1:2) but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. (Heb 1:3) He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,
(Heb 1:4) having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs. We have taken the Word for a manual to supercharging our own life. That is a bit like marrying a guy for his money. Why is it that most people choose to be united to Jesus Christ? We are drawn by His lovingkindness to commit, but why are we so often then driven by something else in our relationship toward him? I want to argue that we are driven by our own perceptions of what perfection is. And this is very often not related to His idea of perfection, not founded on Him as He is revealed in the Bible, but founded on our own thoughts, feelings and desires. A Standard that we create ourselves and achieve ourselves, much to delight of our flesh, who loves to “perform “ , because then we can take the credit. The fact is that the “standard height of Christ's own perfection” is the one He created, and we are powerless to attain this standard, if not by the Blood of Christ and the supernatural empowering of the Holy Spirit. We realize this soon enough, but then we are left with the dilemma of our own imperfections, and how overwhelming they can often seem.
I quote from Part 1 of this post, where I speak about my relationship with my husband. “I often took matters into my own hands, subtly insinuating that Johan would never lead anyway, and that it was my duty to keep this ship afloat, on my terms of course. Little did I realize that this act of defying his God given spiritual leadership, was confirming to him that he was indeed the impostor he thought himself to be, and that I was probably right. Consequently, he withdrew
increasingly to a point where we just did not see eye to eye any more.”
The Holy Spirit wants to lead us into the Life that is hidden in Christ Jesus. It's a mystery. But don't we too often take matters into our own hands, believing that we never really hear His voice, (it's all so mysterious and will never happen to me,) making Him feel like an impostor, and having to live with the consequences of His withdrawal from our day? There where we don't see things from an eternal perspective, not grounding our perceptions in revelation knowledge but settling for
our own perception of situations based on our thoughts, feelings and actions? (Bless God His mercies are new every morning!!)
“I've learned how to ignore my blemishes and focus on how he makes me feel when he looks at me “like that” - beautiful. Truth is, I don't think he notices my shortcomings half as often as I do. This is liberating, because I strive to be more like he sees me, which is different from striving toward my own standard of perfection. In his love for me, I am truly liberated from my own perceptions of
what I should and should not be in order to please him. He's often content with merely my undivided attention, my heartfelt demonstrations of devotion... and of course my respect. He just wants me to notice him, to talk to him more often about us and not about all the stuff ...”
He doesn't want me to try and be perfect, He wants me to be enamoured with Him, in love, there I will be perfected. “I've also come to know how unflinchingly he is committed to our life in union with one another, how he strives to provide for us and how burdened he is for things to work out right for us. This not only financially, but how he takes up his responsibility to love us, often depriving himself ...”
Jesus Christ is committed to a life in Union with those who believe that He is the Son of God, the centrifugal force in the Universe. He has already provided all we need to live that life in Him. Can we just love Him? Can we just respect His spiritual leadership in the church, trust Him more to work this thing called “faith” out in the constraints of time and space? He's calling to us today: “All I want is that you believe me when I say how much I love You, and that you believe me when I
tell you that you are beautiful and everything I want.”
Why is that so hard for me?
Please Holy Spirit, help me to see myself through your eyes. Free me with Your love to live the life you are calling me to. Help me to not try so hard, and just love you. Amen

An Ideal Husband (Part 1)

2007-05-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

A while ago I read two inspiring little books by Shaunti Feldhahn, which challenged my thinking about marriage and relationships. “For women only” and “For men only” explore concepts that deal with how men and women respectively communicate their most essential needs in relational terms. The misconceptions of what the other needs greatly impacts on how men and women relate.
The statements were based on generalizations and not all applied to our elationship, but on there were a number of statements that rang true and really challenged us in the way we perceive each other's needs.
The first principal that stood out for me is that men hunger for respect from their wives so intensely, that they often equate a lack thereof to not being loved. When I examined my daily actions, I came to realize that I did very subtly, though not intently, communicate disrespect and even distrust to my husband. This was particularly true in our Spiritual walk. I often felt in years gone by that I was
the more “spiritual” one in the relationship. I was always the one to bring up the subject of spirituality, especially when things seemed less than ideal. I often took matters into my own hands, subtly insinuating that Johan would never lead anyway, and that it was my duty to keep this ship afloat, on my terms of course. Little did I realize that this act of defying his God given spiritual leadership, was confirming to him that he was indeed the impostor he thought himself to be, and
that I was probably right. Consequently, he withdrew increasingly to a point where we just did not see eye to eye any more. After reading Shaunti's little book, (and crying through every chapter as God revealed my heart to me), I repented silently and decided not to tell Johan about my newfound revelations, but to rather change my conduct and demonstrate my trust in and respect for him. I also began to pray for him much more, trusting that God would quicken the things which lay dormant in
his heart for so many years (because I did not allow them to be, hogging all the spiritual space in the relationship to myself and the way I perceived things).
Within a few months my husband, the priest of the home, re-emerged from the shadows of my disrespect. He gained confidence, and I in turn began to see how differently God dealt with us.
Things which I previously saw as prerequisites for an authentic spiritual experience, I realized only existed in my head. I have learned to trust the Holy Spirit more. He is always busy. Brian Houston, from Hillsong, says that Nothing is impossible with God, meaning that God can't do nothing. Even when it seems like nothing, God is always working to His good pleasure in our lives, completing the salvation of our souls. I'm not fond of dressing up and my husband never makes an issue of how I look. He in fact prefers me without make up and in Jeans and Tekkies. But after reading how other men often evaluate the “worth of a man” through how his wife looks, I've changed my uncaring attitude. I want him to look GOOD in front of other guys. So now I try harder to look well groomed. I've learned how to ignore my blemishes and focus on how he makes me feel when he looks at me “like that” -
beautiful. Truth is, I don't think he notices my shortcomings half as often as I do. This is liberating, because I strive to be more like he sees me, which is different from striving toward my own standard of perfection. In his love for me, I am truly liberated from my own perceptions of what I should and should not be in order to please him. He's often content with merely my undivided attention, my heartfelt demonstrations of devotion... and of course my respect. He just wants me to
notice him, to talk to him more often about us and not about all the stuff that went haywire because the kids skipped their afternoon nap!
A further challenge that arises from this is not to be so preoccupied with the “doings” of our life together, that I forget to just be with him and love him. I've come to enjoy his presence and make room in my busy little head with all its “open windows” (microsoft style), to focus on being in the moment with him, being available for him. I've come to realize how this edifies him, how much he
needs my respect and attention in order to face life and stand up to its challenges. I've also come to know how unflinchingly he is committed to our life in union with one another, how he strives to provide for us and how burdened he is for things to work out right for us. This not only financially, but how he takes up his responsibility to love us, often depriving himself of time alone or doing some fun “guy thing”.
I love him. He is to me the Ideal Husband, because he has no prerequisites, nothing I have to be, achieve, conquer, before he will give me his whole heart. He gave it to me 15 years ago, when he asked me to be “his girl” (19 June 1993 at 21:43pm), and has never withheld it since. So all the pressure I often feel is created by my own perceptions of what I want to be, not for him really, but to meet my own unrealistic standards of perfection, so that I can feel good about achieving it. All he wants, and he often says this, is that I believe him when he says how much he loves me, and that I believe him when he tells me I am beautiful and everything he wants. Why is that so hard for me?

Where's the road going?

2006-01-11T04:07:00.000-08:00

My son, Lian is 2 and a half. He has developed the adorable, but dreaded habit of imitating everything I do, and repeating everything I say. Some of my worst behaviours I hoped no one would ever see, are now suddenly at risk of being painted onto this little talking, walking canvas. Fortunately, I'm apparently not just a raving lunatic, as I also see him imitating love and affection, good manners like please and thank you, and saying sorry.

When I look at what might have been painted onto my children's little canvases today, I feel a bit ashamed at how much irritability and frustration I used as paint. I have been reading a book by Julie Ann Barnhill entitled She's gonna blow - real help for mom's dealing with anger. If it sounds a bit desperate, that's how it is. When you give up all privicy and the right to your own time, personal space, and any hopes of ever having a normal bathroom routine again, you tend to become crabby, to say the least. I realize that I don't have to parent in this enmeshed style, but that's what came naturally, and I'm a firm believer in the"whatever gets you through the day" philosophy. Seeing how impressionable my children are, has however made me stop and think about many things, including boundaries between parents and kids, disciplinary boundaries for parents and kids, and most prominently, spiritual discipline imparted from parents to kids.

I have been involved in church activities since my teenage years, and practically grew up in the church listening to my parents sing at band practice or in a Sunday service. Many very beautiful things in my life I can ascribe wholly to this. Unfortunately, I also inherited a whole lot of religious baggage because of this. The past four years has been a process of being stripped of all ambitions I ever had of "going into ministry" "leading worship" or in short, doing churchy kind of things that have no substance if Christ is not the sustaining factor.

I don't mean that Jesus' name must be in the songs I sing, or that I should consult Him about where I could park on a busy day at the mall. I mean that Christ should be the only motivation, the only focus, the only factor in my life that holds me together, that shapes my thinking, that influences descisions I make when acting out in front of my children, when caring for my family, when living life where it matters, in my home with my spouse and kids.

My eye fell on a church magazine today, it happened to be the church I attended for almost 9 years, in which I served and lead worship on a few occasions, and in which I realized that the religious systems of man are bound to fail, and that Christ remains our only inheritance worth imparting to future generations. I was excited by the verse quoted on the cover:

Romans 8:19 For even the whole creation (all nature) waits expectantly and longs earnestly for God's sons to be made known (waits for the revealing, the disclosing of their sonship) ...

This concept, namely sonship, has intrigued me for the past 4 years, has changed everything I believed about God, church, our purpose on earth. It is the essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. When God introduced to us the concept of sonship, he did it in the flesh, by sending His only begotten son to demonstrate that the faculties of God can dwell in man. His power, His authority, His love, His kindness, His gentleness, His wrath, all He is was in Jesus.

(Col 1:15 Now He is the exact likeness of the unseen God (the visible representation of the invisible); He is the firstborn of all creation.

The rest of the chapter (Collosians 1) goes on to say that we have been reconciled to God through the death of Jesus, and that he is able to present us holy and faultless and irreproachable in the Father's presence. I always took this to mean that I can relax about messing up, because Jesus covers all my blemishes, all my bloopers. While I believe in the infinite grace of God and His forgiving heart, I have come to the conclusion that this is a misrepresentation of the scripture. The next verse goes on to support what I propose.

Col 1:23 This he will do provided that you continue to stay with and in the faith in Christ, well-grounded and settled and steadfast, not shifting or moving away from the hope (which rests on an is inspired by) the glad tidings (the Gospel), which you heard and which has been preached (as being designed for and offered without restrictions) to every person under heaven, and of which I, Paul became a minister.

You see, faith in Christ, is believing in His redemptive work, yes. But it is more than that. Ch 2:3 says that "In Him all the treasure of divine wisdom (comprehensive insight into the ways and purposes of God) and (all the riches of spiritual) knowledge and enlightenment are stored up an lie hidden.

So what is the essence of the wisdom, knowledge and enlightenment we so seek that will change our conduct forever? It is Christ in us, the hope of Glory. (Col 1:27)

You see, today I realized that I can trust God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to protect my children from my wrongdoings and mistakes, in my own life and toward them. But I also realized that my shortcomings make them sad, hurt them, and make me sad and hurt me. I don't want to act out toward them, because the road that it will paint for them is one of human error. I want their canvas to be painted with Godly Perfection. Sound ambitious? Well if I do not hold fast to the faith in Christ, it propably is. But if I hold fast to the faith in Christ, it's not ambition, it's faith. I believe that God has the power to reproduce Christ in me. That means that I can have perfect self-control, perfect love, perfect gentleness, perfect patience, perfect authority over all my fleshly faculties. I can have it. That is how God will reproduce Christ in me. And Heb 4:14-16 says that Jesus ever lives as my high priest to intercede for me, and that I can find grace on days like today when my less than perfect behaviour marrs the vision. But I can find help at the throne, and keep on pressing toward my goal. My goal is Christ perfected in me, revealed in me. My goal is my sonship disclosed. It is a partnership between me and the Holy Spirit, who leads me into all truth. He does the work in me, and I keep on believing that he will present me faultless before the presence of His glory. I believe, and He changes me into the image of His Son. His job is to change me, my job is to keep on believing that He can change me, perfect me, and to make my descisions accordingly. It is the mark of the lamb: on my forehead (how I think) and on my hand (how I act). The mark of the antichrist is man completely controlled by his own desire. It is the mark of the beast: on his forehead (how he thinks) and on his hand (how he acts).

So I end off with the words of a song I wrote 10 years ago, which has only come alive to me today. The goal is not heaven, the goal is being perfected in Christ. And if all this happens to be a mistaken assumption on my part, well, then I'll die believing that I can try to be perfected. At least that way my children are more likely to be painted with attempts at perfection in Christ, rather than me completely controlled by my own fleshly nature.

Even though, sometimes I can't see where I'm walking
and I simply have to follow where you lead me
my heart will never turn away from trusting in you,
for Your faithfulness is all, I ever need

This road of faith is all I'm walking
My heart is set on you, Oh God
I walk by faith, and not by what I see
Oh what a beautiful journey

In the valley where I cannot see the mountain
on the Mountain, where my sorrow turns to fountains of joy,
I will drink from the healing stream, that flows from Your throne,
and Follow as my Shepherd leads me home

This road of faith is all I'm walking
My heart delights in you, Oh God
I live to see Your power changing me
Oh, what a beautiful journey

Though this Road is not an easy one, there's a
race that I must run,
So I'll journey through the darkest night
just to see the Son

This road of faith is all I'm walking
My heart belongs to you, Oh God
I live to see Your power changing me
Until Your Glory comes, and I look like Your Son
Oh, what a beautiful journey

The parable of Billy the kyte

2005-12-14T01:03:00.000-08:00

by
Adéle Jordaan
_{(with credit to Pieter W Grobbelaar, who wrote the original story in Afrikaans, titled "Pietervlie" 1976)}

He was two sticks
a sheet of brown paper and a jar of glue
a few old rags and some string
and paint - red and green and blue
That's all he was, and no one even knew
that he existed, that is until the boy came

The boy took sticks and tied them with string
wrapping brown paper all around
he made a tail out of the rags
and painted blue eyes, red nose round
and a colourful mouth that made no sound,
but smiled none the less, with four teeth

"He has to fly high, he'll fly way up"
that's what the boy told his sister
Little did he know that Billy the kyte
was a proud and arrogant mister
that was planning to fly even higher
than the boy ever thought possible

The boy and his sister were ready -
it was the next morning, real early
the sun was just up and waiting,
it seemed, for Billy
to dance with the wind, so freely
and tug at the string really wildly

Up, up and away
The beauty of Billy's blue eyes
and round red nose against the
blue of the bright morning skies,
worsened the nasty surprise
when Billy broke free from the string

"Oh man, there goes Billy", cried the boy
"He's done, for sure" sighed his sister
But Billy thought, "no, this is life! -
I'll even fly into a twister"
Heck, I'll BE the twister
and a cloud, and the sun, man this is fun"

Maybe Billy would have been content
just to think he's a cloud floating by,
and if clouds lasted forever
he would probably still be in the sky
but everything changes and why
no one knows, but that's how it goes

The wind was wild and free
He tried to whip his tail 'round
but Billy struggled to keep up
with no string from the ground
to hold him, and with no sound,
the wind just died down

"Falling, I'm dying!", cried Billy
As he fell downward, faster and faster
As branches pierced through, he thought
"It's the end, man, did I court disaster -
So much for being my own master"
There he hung, in darkness and all alone

"What's this in our neck of the woods?"
"Just throw it out," cried Blue Bird
"Oh shame, Oh shame" said Dove
And Billy - he said no word
because he was tattered and hurt
waiting for death, for relief

A soft breeze came with gentleness
And lifted him out of the tree
Placing him tenderly on the ground
And suddenly voices: " What have we
here? A Kyte! Oh man, just think, we
can fix it up, and it'll fly again!"

The two boys excitedly worked
Into the late afternoon
The patchwork was well done,
"He'll be flying real soon,"
said the one, "Tomorrow at noon"
Said the other

"One two three! He's up and flying!"
"The wind is his friend again"
The boys were wild with excitement
and stood like the proudest of men
as Billy took to the skies once again,
more patiently this time, with caution

Higher and higher he climbed
A funny and odd looking sight
But flying again, and happier now
tail swaying with all its might,
now and again he hung in mid flight,
just grateful to still be alive

After Billy greeted the clouds,
and waved at the wind and the sun
the boys were really tired,
and started calling him down.
No arrogance, now, he just obeyed
and happily slept in the shed that night
no longer despising the string, after all
that's what grounded him.

Twenty statements closer to really knowing myself

2005-11-25T00:48:00.000-08:00

1. Parents ... of young children laugh often, sacrifice a lot, and never sleep in on Sundays

2. My greatest ... asset is my family

3. I secretly ... dream of being a photo journalist, a chef, and recording a cd of the songs that I've written

4. The problem with ... dreaming too many dreams is that you never get one done!

5. My mother used to ... give me the warmest bed baths when I was ill as a child.

6. Women ... are stronger than they think.

7. Men ... are more vulnerable than they look.

8. I hate ... the smell of yesterday's dishes, with wet dishcloths lying all mushy in the basin.

9. Long ... holidays where you can just be in nature and rest - that's the food of life.

10. Being young ... is a dilemma - all of the energy to do stuff you can't afford.

11. Ageing ... is inevitable, and brings many regrets, I suspect.

12. I love ... watching waves break on rocks.

13. People tend to ... underestimate how selfish all their descisions actually are.

14. My favourite ... indulgence is fresh dates and cherries.

15. I'm getting better at ... letting go of offences quickly.

16. I wish ... I could weigh 47kgs forever.

17. Some things ... that remain unsaid, shouldn't.

18. In a year ... from now I hope to have had at least one long holiday with my husband and children in a beautiful place.

19. Children ... are really not overrated - they are the best thing you could ever have.

20. I would like to be ... at my grandchildren's graduation with Johan one day.

Twenty statements closer to really knowing myself

2005-11-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have time, try this one. Complete the sentence. Try keep it short. It's kind of insightful. I'm working on mine, will post it last, otherwise its difficult to formulate your own ideas, if you've read someone else's response.

1. Parents ...
2. My greatest ...
3. I secretly ...
4. The problem with ...
5. My mother used to ...
6. Women ...
7. Men ...
8. I hate ...
9. Long ...
10. Being young ...
11. Ageing ...
12. I love ...
13. People tend to ...
14. My favourite ...
15. I'm getting better at ...
16. I wish ...
17. Some things ...
18. In a year ...
19. Children ...
20. I would like to be ...

Little Boys wild at heart

2005-11-10T00:10:00.000-08:00

God made a world out of His dreams,
Of magic mountains, oceans and streams,
Prairies and plains and wooded land.
Then paused and thought, "I need someone to stand,
On top of the mountains, to conquer the seas,
Explore the plains and climb the trees.
Someone to start out small and grow,
Sturdy and strong like a tree" and so
He created boys, full of spirit and fun
To explore and conquer, to romp and run
With dirty faces, and banged up chins
With courageous hearts and boyish grins.
And when He had completed the task He'd begun,
He surely said, "That's a job well done."

Author Unknown

To all the men reading here, may this poem inspire you to recapture the exploring and wild nature with which God has created you. Don't forget to play, don't take life too seriously. For all those who have not yet, read Wild at Heart by John Aldridge. It will change the way you think about yourself. It sure changed the way I think about my husband and my two boys. Life as we live it has a very artificial flavour. We all need holidays in the bosveld or Drakensberg, where we can just see life as it really is. Man, I need a holiday like that - out in open spaces, with mountains to explore and streams to put my feet in. We used to do quite a bit of hiking when we were still at school, and how I miss that! Not only for the beautiful scenery and the musty smell of the Tsitsikamma forest floor, but also for those moments where I could just sit at a waterfall, and stare, and feel my heart alive again. I remember one very special moment on the Prospector's hike in the Eastern Transvaal, when I turned 17. The hut was called Sacremento Creek. It was my first birthday with Johan as my boyfriend. He carried a beautiful silver locket in a dainty little tin that he had bought in Pilgrim's Rest. It was the best birthday ever! On the way to the hut earlier that day, it was misty and we almost walked straight into some wild horses. I also remember sitting on a large rock that day and reading from Galatians with a very good friend of mine. Good times, good stuff!

97, 98, 99, time to Go

2005-11-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

My Great Grandmother visited me this morning. She turned 99 on the 4th of September 2005. She came with her accompanist, who happens to be my childhood piano teacher. She performed 5 songs this morning. Each one has a story associated with it, about people and places she remembers from the early years. Although I have heard these stories ad nauseum for the past 25 years (I'm 30), I still enjoy the way her posture changes to more correct, how her eyes get that far away look (and sometimes even well up with tears), how she is transfigured from the bleek old lady that's waiting for death, to this younger person who's more alive and glamorous, and acknowledged.

You see, she's a singer. She'll always be a singer. Sad thing is, for the past twenty years she's been nothing but a singer. In her mind, any way. The fact that she can still, on a good day, sing a B flat just below top C (for the non-muso's, that's higher than you can screech when someone pulls out one of your nose hairs with a tweezer) - that is the only way she was ever noticed, I suspect. As a child, I mean. She's clinging to this one thing that distinguished her from the rest. I suppose all very old people are like that. You are merely a collection of thoughts, activities and interests as your life draws to a close. As your ability to think, be active and interesting becomes impaired through loss of hearing, sight, cognitive ability, your person dissappears. You are no longer noticed, acknowledged, counted as part of a conversation. No one really pays much attention to you. That is certainly the case with Ouma Grootjie, despite the fact that she has a relatively busy social schedule for a 99 year old. She's constantly hinting for a lift, telling all that will hear (and has a car) that the Homecrafts of Northmead are having there year end function, and she asked so and so to take her, but so and so broke her foot, so now she doesn't know how she's going to get there. Not going isn't an option.

She lives with my grandmother (80) and grandfather (89), who is dying of lung cancer and Alzheimer's disease. My grandmother's sister passed away 10 years ago, so she has the sole responsibility of caring for a 99 year old mother and an 89 year old sickly spouse. That gets too much some days. I pray for her when I can't sleep at night. I honestly don't know how she does it. She inspires me with her ability to cope. I have a baby and a toddler, and on days when things get too much, I visit with this odd trio. Some days I want to leave as soon as I get there. But most days, my grandmother's ability to handle things (she raised 5 kids), grounds me, helps me control my flaring emotions, helps me order my thinking. I suppose as she ages, she'll remain a grounding force in our family, always willing to help out, always willing to pray for us, always willing to set another place at the table.

I am stirred with compassion for my ageing grandparents. They have a broad support structure - 3 daughters, 7 grandchildren who visit often, and yet we can't be there for the three when grandpa mistakes the waste basket for the loo at 3am, or when ouma grootjie falls from the bath stool at 7am. Then its just an 80 year old woman with nerves of steel and faith in God that needs to cope, help them up, clean the mess. How can one person have to care for people her entire life? My aunt (mom's younger sibling, 4th in line) suffered with eppillepsy from age 4. She died due to a lack of oxygen to the brain (anoxia), at age 37, being immobile with a trachea from age 34. My grandmother cared for her till her death. She died in her sleep.

My grandmother is feeling the strain of all these years of being a carer. She comes to my house to quickly see the kids, and then she says: I'm tired, right through to my soul. But then, when we look ahead to the fact that my grandfather might have to be placed in an institution, she just says: one day at a time, let's just take it like that. I think the thing that really gets to her is that her mother is still alive. It cannot be easy to live with your mother for so many years. They have a rather turbulent history, and the same old issues have repeated themselves for the past 70 years! Everyone says that they sincerely hope my great grandmother will not outlive my grandfather. It's time for her to go, they say. Where to? If you love life, you choose to wait for death. But the waiting isn't easy, and God appoints the time for it to end. So let her live, I say. Let her go to all her year-end functions and social gatherings, and sing there if she wants to. At least she is still alive. What else must she do to bide the time? I'm sure she's open for suggestions...

"I want to die at a hundred years old after screaming down an Alpine descent on a bicycle at 75 miles per hour." - Lance Armstrong

I'm not so sure how I want to die. I just want to be able to LIVE until I die. I'm hoping my body and my mind will play along.

Verjaardagreëlings

2005-10-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

Vir almal wat meer wil weet.

Wat trek ek aan???
Trek asb mooi aan, dit is 'n swierige aand. Manne, ek sal julle van 'n das vryskeld, maar geen jeans en tekkies nie.

Vir die wat geskenkies wil bring...
Die Amptelike Verjaardag Wenslysie

Geskenkbewyse van:
Mr Price Home
Fascination Books
Look & Listen
Woolworths
The Scrapbook Company

Gegeurde Twinings Tee
'n Swierige Carol Boyes Suikerleper
Donkerhout Fotorame A4, A5

Tata ma chance...
Kaartjies na Las Vegas vir Celine Dion se show
'n Week in Toscana
'n Steinway Baby Grand

Nog inligting...

Kinderen...
Vir alle baba's sal daar 'n doekruilstasie en voedingskamer beskikbaar wees. Vir die ouer kinders sal daar 'n springkasteel, speelplek, en 'n paar (voorafgoedgekeurde) dvd's wees. Ek sal ook oppassers reël om te help. Kan elke mamma asseblief 'n boksie vrugtesap saambring. Ons sal heilsame kossies voorsien vir die wat nog nie geëet het nie.

Aanwysings...
Vanaf Pta, R21, Atlaswegafrit, 1ste robot links, dan regs in Great North-weg. Oor 5 Robotte. 6e robot vat die glipbaan na links - Hospitaalstraat. 1 straat regs is Aerodromeweg. Oor Robot, dan verby Northfield Methodist kerk. Net na kerk vat 1e straat regs - Hurricane. Kerk is net na die slap regs aan jou regterkant, nr 8.

Vanaf N12
Vat Tom Jones-afrit, draai weg van Lakeside Mall en die middedorp. Oor 3 robotte. Kyk uit vir die Church of Christ aan linkerkant, vat die glipbaan na Regs in Ensign laan in.
3e straat links by die parkie, om die sirkel 6 uur in, 12 uur uit, tot by doodloop. Draai links, kerk is voor jou, nr 8 Hurricane.

Verloop van die aand:

6:15 - 6:45 Arriveer, geniet iets te drink en 'n versnapering in die binnehof
6:45 Ons beweeg in die kerk in vir Christiaan se toewyding en 'n bietjie inspirasie...
7:15 Ons beweeg in die saal in vir 'n feesmaal en lekker kuier

Laugh out Loud, Melt like butter, Blow your top, Cry like a baby

2005-10-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

10 things that made me laugh out loud this week:

1. Johan's face when he wakes suddenly from a deep sleep
2. Christiaan exploring my face and accidently sticking his little index finger up my nose
3. Lian after playing in the mud
4. Joey, Chandler and the mere thought of Cramer opening the door
5. My great grandmother singing "scales" - age has not been kind, she shreeks like a man would during a bikini wax
6. Lian learning to make sentences - he often comes up with the most interesting combination of words
7. Christiaan laughing out loud when I bark like a dog
8. Johan looking for something in the kitchen
9. My great grandmother's language errors when speaking English. She said: "My head was so clear, I couldn't think" She probably meant something about striking a blank
10. Rabbit saying "aha" in Piglet's big movie, and then the blank stares from Tigger, Pooh and Piglet. It cracks me up every time.

Things that melt me:

1. Feeling Christiaan's little tummy skin
2. Lian saying :Ek het jou lief" -( I love you)
3. Lian kissing me spontaneously
4. Johan holding my hand
5. The way my grandmother looks at my grandfather
6. The looks on my outdoor cats' faces when it rains, and they stare at us through the window
7. Christiaan breastfeeding, and then looking up at me, smiling
8. Lian hugging Christiaan spontaneously
9. Celine Dion's song Miracle
10. Johan changing diapers

Things that make me blow:

1. Trying to create order in the study, only to be endlessly interrupted, and then having to face the pile of books and paper I unpacked for the next four weeks.
2. Lian throwing a tantrum and shouting "mamma jy moenie sing nie" (mommy you must'nt sing) every time sit down to play piano
3. 4x4 drivers pushing me into the slow lane by driving at ridiculous speeds in a 70km/h zone.
4. The pile of baby clothes stacked in my spare bathroom that I still haven't sorted after 7 weeks of trying
5. Lian carrying on about something at the end of a very long day.
6. Struggling to open the garage door with Christiaan on my hip, the nappy bag in my hand, Lian running toward the street, and realising I left the keys for the car in the house.

Watch me cry when:

1. My grandfather doesn't know who I am
2. My grandmother cries about my grandfather's failing state
3. I read in the paper about a 3 month old baby dying of exposure after just being dumped in a veld
4. I'm very very tired, and I seriously lose my temper at Lian for no legitimate reason
5. When Johan declares how much he loves me, and says that I'm his best friend after 13 years of being together.
6. When I watch a Hillsong DVD and think how much I miss worshipping and being part of a worship team.
7. When I look at the pictures of my children's births
8. When I look at the pictures of Lian in hospital and with a pressure garment over his face after burning with a cup of tea that I accidently spilled over him.
9. Reading the essay I wrote after my cousin Louis (16) died in a motorcycle accident in 1992
10. Looking at the wedding pictures of my brother-in-law and sister-in-law who are no longer married

So here I go

2005-10-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

This is my first post, so all I'm going to say is that I'm going to use this space as sanity leave from my very interesting and taxing life as a mother to Lian (2) and Christiaan(6 months). I'll write about them often, I'm sure. I'll also write about the me that be no more (my days before motherhood) and my attempts to salvage what is still left of that. On the way there... that's just to keep my focus on where I'm heading, which is to be changed into the likeness of Jesus Christ.