An Ideal Husband (Part 1)
A while ago I read two inspiring little books by Shaunti Feldhahn, which challenged my thinking about marriage and relationships. “For women only” and “For men only” explore concepts that deal with how men and women respectively communicate their most essential needs in relational terms. The misconceptions of what the other needs greatly impacts on how men and women relate.
The statements were based on generalizations and not all applied to our elationship, but on there were a number of statements that rang true and really challenged us in the way we perceive each other's needs.
The first principal that stood out for me is that men hunger for respect from their wives so intensely, that they often equate a lack thereof to not being loved. When I examined my daily actions, I came to realize that I did very subtly, though not intently, communicate disrespect and even distrust to my husband. This was particularly true in our Spiritual walk. I often felt in years gone by that I was
the more “spiritual” one in the relationship. I was always the one to bring up the subject of spirituality, especially when things seemed less than ideal. I often took matters into my own hands, subtly insinuating that Johan would never lead anyway, and that it was my duty to keep this ship afloat, on my terms of course. Little did I realize that this act of defying his God given spiritual leadership, was confirming to him that he was indeed the impostor he thought himself to be, and
that I was probably right. Consequently, he withdrew increasingly to a point where we just did not see eye to eye any more. After reading Shaunti's little book, (and crying through every chapter as God revealed my heart to me), I repented silently and decided not to tell Johan about my newfound revelations, but to rather change my conduct and demonstrate my trust in and respect for him. I also began to pray for him much more, trusting that God would quicken the things which lay dormant in
his heart for so many years (because I did not allow them to be, hogging all the spiritual space in the relationship to myself and the way I perceived things).
Within a few months my husband, the priest of the home, re-emerged from the shadows of my disrespect. He gained confidence, and I in turn began to see how differently God dealt with us.
Things which I previously saw as prerequisites for an authentic spiritual experience, I realized only existed in my head. I have learned to trust the Holy Spirit more. He is always busy. Brian Houston, from Hillsong, says that Nothing is impossible with God, meaning that God can't do nothing. Even when it seems like nothing, God is always working to His good pleasure in our lives, completing the salvation of our souls. I'm not fond of dressing up and my husband never makes an issue of how I look. He in fact prefers me without make up and in Jeans and Tekkies. But after reading how other men often evaluate the “worth of a man” through how his wife looks, I've changed my uncaring attitude. I want him to look GOOD in front of other guys. So now I try harder to look well groomed. I've learned how to ignore my blemishes and focus on how he makes me feel when he looks at me “like that” -
beautiful. Truth is, I don't think he notices my shortcomings half as often as I do. This is liberating, because I strive to be more like he sees me, which is different from striving toward my own standard of perfection. In his love for me, I am truly liberated from my own perceptions of what I should and should not be in order to please him. He's often content with merely my undivided attention, my heartfelt demonstrations of devotion... and of course my respect. He just wants me to
notice him, to talk to him more often about us and not about all the stuff that went haywire because the kids skipped their afternoon nap!
A further challenge that arises from this is not to be so preoccupied with the “doings” of our life together, that I forget to just be with him and love him. I've come to enjoy his presence and make room in my busy little head with all its “open windows” (microsoft style), to focus on being in the moment with him, being available for him. I've come to realize how this edifies him, how much he
needs my respect and attention in order to face life and stand up to its challenges. I've also come to know how unflinchingly he is committed to our life in union with one another, how he strives to provide for us and how burdened he is for things to work out right for us. This not only financially, but how he takes up his responsibility to love us, often depriving himself of time alone or doing some fun “guy thing”.
I love him. He is to me the Ideal Husband, because he has no prerequisites, nothing I have to be, achieve, conquer, before he will give me his whole heart. He gave it to me 15 years ago, when he asked me to be “his girl” (19 June 1993 at 21:43pm), and has never withheld it since. So all the pressure I often feel is created by my own perceptions of what I want to be, not for him really, but to meet my own unrealistic standards of perfection, so that I can feel good about achieving it. All he wants, and he often says this, is that I believe him when he says how much he loves me, and that I believe him when he tells me I am beautiful and everything he wants. Why is that so hard for me?
The statements were based on generalizations and not all applied to our elationship, but on there were a number of statements that rang true and really challenged us in the way we perceive each other's needs.
The first principal that stood out for me is that men hunger for respect from their wives so intensely, that they often equate a lack thereof to not being loved. When I examined my daily actions, I came to realize that I did very subtly, though not intently, communicate disrespect and even distrust to my husband. This was particularly true in our Spiritual walk. I often felt in years gone by that I was
the more “spiritual” one in the relationship. I was always the one to bring up the subject of spirituality, especially when things seemed less than ideal. I often took matters into my own hands, subtly insinuating that Johan would never lead anyway, and that it was my duty to keep this ship afloat, on my terms of course. Little did I realize that this act of defying his God given spiritual leadership, was confirming to him that he was indeed the impostor he thought himself to be, and
that I was probably right. Consequently, he withdrew increasingly to a point where we just did not see eye to eye any more. After reading Shaunti's little book, (and crying through every chapter as God revealed my heart to me), I repented silently and decided not to tell Johan about my newfound revelations, but to rather change my conduct and demonstrate my trust in and respect for him. I also began to pray for him much more, trusting that God would quicken the things which lay dormant in
his heart for so many years (because I did not allow them to be, hogging all the spiritual space in the relationship to myself and the way I perceived things).
Within a few months my husband, the priest of the home, re-emerged from the shadows of my disrespect. He gained confidence, and I in turn began to see how differently God dealt with us.
Things which I previously saw as prerequisites for an authentic spiritual experience, I realized only existed in my head. I have learned to trust the Holy Spirit more. He is always busy. Brian Houston, from Hillsong, says that Nothing is impossible with God, meaning that God can't do nothing. Even when it seems like nothing, God is always working to His good pleasure in our lives, completing the salvation of our souls. I'm not fond of dressing up and my husband never makes an issue of how I look. He in fact prefers me without make up and in Jeans and Tekkies. But after reading how other men often evaluate the “worth of a man” through how his wife looks, I've changed my uncaring attitude. I want him to look GOOD in front of other guys. So now I try harder to look well groomed. I've learned how to ignore my blemishes and focus on how he makes me feel when he looks at me “like that” -
beautiful. Truth is, I don't think he notices my shortcomings half as often as I do. This is liberating, because I strive to be more like he sees me, which is different from striving toward my own standard of perfection. In his love for me, I am truly liberated from my own perceptions of what I should and should not be in order to please him. He's often content with merely my undivided attention, my heartfelt demonstrations of devotion... and of course my respect. He just wants me to
notice him, to talk to him more often about us and not about all the stuff that went haywire because the kids skipped their afternoon nap!
A further challenge that arises from this is not to be so preoccupied with the “doings” of our life together, that I forget to just be with him and love him. I've come to enjoy his presence and make room in my busy little head with all its “open windows” (microsoft style), to focus on being in the moment with him, being available for him. I've come to realize how this edifies him, how much he
needs my respect and attention in order to face life and stand up to its challenges. I've also come to know how unflinchingly he is committed to our life in union with one another, how he strives to provide for us and how burdened he is for things to work out right for us. This not only financially, but how he takes up his responsibility to love us, often depriving himself of time alone or doing some fun “guy thing”.
I love him. He is to me the Ideal Husband, because he has no prerequisites, nothing I have to be, achieve, conquer, before he will give me his whole heart. He gave it to me 15 years ago, when he asked me to be “his girl” (19 June 1993 at 21:43pm), and has never withheld it since. So all the pressure I often feel is created by my own perceptions of what I want to be, not for him really, but to meet my own unrealistic standards of perfection, so that I can feel good about achieving it. All he wants, and he often says this, is that I believe him when he says how much he loves me, and that I believe him when he tells me I am beautiful and everything he wants. Why is that so hard for me?
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